Carving Pumpkins and Making Cookies

The boys all loved cleaning the inside of the pumpkins.

 All finished!

 Isaiah thought making the cookies was great, except he just wanted to eat it all. He even tried plain flour, that wasn't as good as the sugar :)

Pumpkin Patch Fun

All three boys had a blast at the pumpkin patch! It was about two weeks ago that we went, and I'm just now getting the pictures up. 

 Jacob and Cora got a ride from Daddy!

 Ewwww, Jacob kept eating the field corn.

 They loved petting the animals and sharing their sucker with them.

 Kaleb found this wood and starting walking around with it on his head. We said he looked like some people in Ethiopia, so of course the other two had to try too.

 Our friends, Stu, Marie, and Cora with their niece and nephew:

 Family fun day!

 The cow train ride, the boys kept saying "Mooooo choo-choo"

Mommy's lunch date

Brad stayed home with the boys one day and they came to see me for lunch. They wanted to bring their backpacks to school. They looked so grown up walking around with their back packs on. I couldn't have asked for a better lunch. LOVE these boys!!!

Kaleb saying "cheeeeese"

 

One Year Ago-Isaiah's Story

This week one year ago Isaiah found out that he had a family, a forever family. Many days he would ask an AWAA employee if he had a family yet, and for 10 months the answer was “no”. But this week, one year ago, God answered his prayers. Fortuna, an AWAA employee, was walking by him as he was at recess and he heard the words he longed to hear “yes, you have a family”

I have asked Isaiah about finding out about us several different times over that last 10 months, but I never got many details. He usually answered “I knew it was going to be you when you left with Jacob” or “ I prayed it would be you guys and it was” or “I was so happy”. But yesterday I wanted to know more. A few days ago he spent an hour telling Brad and I all about his first three days being in the orphanage. His first three days actually consisted of 3 different orphanages in two different cities and saying good bye to his birth dad twice. He told us hour by hour what he did, who talked to him, what he ate, what he rode in from this place to that. I treasured these words that he was sharing because its more than he has ever said. I honestly don’t think he was scared or ashamed of his story or past, he doesn’t like to talk details. He will tell you the most recent thing that happened (like “how was school” and he will always talk about the thing that happened at the end of the day).  He wasn’t upset to talk about it, but he wanted us to know. He mentioned how he was nervous and how great some of his new friends were. I’m so thankful for these boys that took the time to make him feel loved and fit right in. He said some guys were sad that he only spent one day at the orphanage (the 2^nd one in two days) because he was good at soccer and they really wanted him to play on their team.  Anyways, all this talking about his past made me think more about what he was thinking when he found out he had an American family waiting/praying/preparing/loving him from afar. Here is the story from his point of view, he told me as I typed it:

I was playing outside at recess. Fortuna walked by and I asked her if I had a family yet. (I asked if he asked her this everyday, he said no, just sometimes the nannies, never her before). She smiled and said “yes, you have a family, but it’s a secret.” I said “whoooo whooo” and went back playing. That night I went to sleep thinking it was you and Dad, and I prayed it was. The next morning I was in school and Fortuna showed up and said “Kirubel, come here”. I ran fast to her and she took me to the office and showed me your pictures on your computer. Then she printed them out so I could have my own copy. I saw you and Dad walking Molly (our dog) and playing a game. (These were the pictures from our Dossier for Jacob but they still had them and gave them to Isaiah). I started smiling real big and said “I knew it” I knew that God would answer my prayers. I still had your pictures from when you were here with Jacob and I looked at them. I just knew when you left with Jacob that you would be back for me and Kaleb. Then I went back school and everybody wanted to see the pictures, even my teacher. Everbody was asking "is this your family" and I said "yes this is my family". My teacher remembered you guys from last year when you came to get Jacob. Everybody said "wow they are a really good family". (He said many people remembered us from when we were there adopting Jacob.) I was smiling and happy all day. Everybody at America World wanted to see my family, so all day I got to show the nannies and everyone my family.

So, he says he knew that we were his family the whole five months from when we left Ethiopia after completing Jacob’s adoption to starting the process again and receiving the referral. I was sure we wouldn’t be. At first I knew we couldn’t start the adoption process again, then I knew they wouldn’t give us the referral for another baby (Kaleb was just over a year when we met him, and is only 9 months older than Jacob) . I didn’t want the boys to wait around for us (not that AWAA would have done that either) to be able to come back and adopt them (little did I know that we would be back in Ethiopia less than 7 months later). But we went home and started updated our homestudy the 2nd week we were back. Long story short the boys papers were ready the same week ours were at the end of September. God knew these boys WERE meant to be our sons. SO THANKFUL!

Welcome Home Kieran!

We got the privilege to be at the Springfield airport to welcome home one of Isaiahs' friends from the same orphanage/Transition Home last week. It was wonderful to see the boys quickly fall into conversation and for Kieran to see a familiar face. We got in the car to go home and Isaiah said "I miss him already. I forgot how much I missed him." He must have asked us 10 times on the way home when we will get to see him again. I'm so thankful for Skype, it has allowed Isaiah to keep in contact with so many of his friends from Ethiopia! I'm also so glad that Kieran and his family live less than 2 hours away so the boys will be able to see each other some too!

1 Year Referralversary

It has been 1 year since we saw these sweet little faces and found out that they are our new sons!! We were so excited that God's timing was just perfect in bringing our family together.

Here are their referral photos: (taken in September 2011) Isaiah 10 1/2 years and Kaleb 20 months

 (I don't know why I can't get them rotated, sorry)

This is a photo taken in February 2011, 8 months before their papers were ready to be referred.

Look how much they have grown in the last year.

This post took me two weeks to finish because I didn't have a picture of either of the boys by themselves. Sheesh! 

Rage Against the Minivan: alerting teachers to adoption-related issues

I love following blogs. I love reading about other families and how they are living out their lives. I know many people alredy read Rage Against the Minivan blog, but I wanted to document this for me too. Its hard to decide how much to tell people that are around your children and its hard to know when to make exceptions for them and when to have hig expectations. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I did!

Rage Against the Minivan: alerting teachers to adoption-related issues: how ...:
Here is what she says:

I don’t talk very much about some of the attachment-related issues that our family deals with. I’m intentionally vague about it, but at the same time I’m not trying to sugar-coat anything. I don’t think it’s honoring to go into detail about all of the ways my child struggles with attachment, but at the same time, I don’t think it’s helpful to other adoptive families who read here to pretend like it isn’t a factor. So I will preface this post by making a sweeping generalization: kids who have spent time in orphanages have attachment-related issues that manifest in problematic behaviors from time to time. Our family is affected by this reality. One of the things I’ve been perplexed about this year was how much to divulge to Kembe’s teacher about some of the behaviors that he might want to watch for. On the one hand, I didn’t want to give Kembe a prophecy of bad behavior with the teacher. In certain settings and with certain adults he has absolutely no issues, and I didn’t want to have the teacher start looking for something if he was doing fine. Why poison the expectations? On the other hand, attachment-related issues are so freaking subtle to the uninitiated, and tend to get progressively worse. Things that are totally fine for a typical kid can backfire in big ways for kids like Kembe. Behaviors that seem relatively benign often have big meaning behind them, and big consequences if they aren’t kept in check, or if attention is given in the wrong way. Let me share a mild example of this, for point of reference. All last year, Kembe would play a game I like to call “purposeful pokeyness” when I would pick him up from school. At the Montessori preschool, they had a rule that parents had to wait outside the windowed door to the classroom to pick up the kids. He did a half-day there so when I picked him up, I would stand at the door to the class, where he could see me, and wave and wait for him to walk to the door. And 9 times out of 10, he would see me, and then PRETEND NOT TO SEE ME, and wait until all of the kids in the class saw me and started shouting for him to look. Because it meant everyone was paying attention to him. THEN, he would walk as. slowly. as. possible. to the shoe area, and then pretend that he couldn’t get his shoes on, and on and on and on with this ridiculously dramatic game of slow-motion (can’t find backpack! shoe fell off! have to go back to desk for forgotten item!) in which he gets to be in control of an adult who is helplessly standing by. Because if there is one thing he loves more than attention, it’s being in control of an adult’s emotions. Even if they are negative. Maybe especially if they are negative. I tried my best to stay emotionally neutral with this behavior, but on occasion I would lose my cool and chew him out as he walked out the door, which was fun because then all of the nearby parents would watch Kembe’s face as he played Confused, Helpless Boy and assume that I was just a raving lunatic who gets mad at kids who struggle with their shoes. (And this is a whole other post that I need to write some day – the joys of other people assuming you are the meanest parent ever because they don’t understand the dynamics of your kid’s behavior). Anyways, having other parents look on as I lose my cool is yet another feather in Kembe’s hat, because he’s now achieved the trifecta of attachment-related drama: 1) attention, 2) emotional control, and 3) pity from strangers. Yes, it’s as fun to deal with as it sounds. Side note: This is the point at which adoptive parents start to nod in recognition, while parents of typical kids interject that this is normal kid behavior that all kids engage in. And this is the point where I tell you: NO. It’s not the same. It may happen on occasion, but it’s not as purposeful and constant and desperate. This is a really benign example of things that happen all day, every day. This is as specific as I care to be, but if you want to understand more, talk to a friend with a child who struggles and really listen to what life is like. That would be a gift to them, too, because many of us feel constantly misunderstood. Anyways, I was debating on whether or not to talk to the kindergarten teacher about Kembe’s behavior on the first day of school, and something happened at pickup that convinced me I should. On the first day, I arrived in the car pool line to pick up India and Kembe. Both of them clearly saw me pull up. India ran to the car gleefully. And Kembe pulled the same crap he pulled last year. He pretended he didn’t see me, and three teachers had to call out to get him to acknowledge my presence. Then, he walked the most purposeful slow march I have ever seen, and smirking the whole time. And you know what? I lost it. I lost it because I was stressed about picking up Jafta, whose school gets out at the exact same time, but also I lost it because it had just been so long since I saw that behavior, and DANG IT it is annoying. So I called out the window in my I Mean Business voice: “Huh-uh, Kembe. No way. We are not playing that game this year. Pick up the pace.” And another teacher, who was obviously not paying attention to his slow-motion walk and just thought I was an impatient beyotch, looked at me with pursed lips and said, “Hang, on mom. He’s coming.” But what her tone really said was, “Take a chill pill, crazy lady.” I was FUMING. And Kembe was gloating, because HELLO. Trifecta of attachment drama: 1) attention, 2) emotional control, and 3) pity from strangers. And he had another teacher basically buying into his game instead of holding him accountable. That day I went home and penned a note to the teacher, because I need the grown-ups in his life to help him make better decisions. And I need them to understand what that looks like for him. Here’s a part of what I wrote:

At a young age, Kembe learned that there were two ways to get his needs met: to be the loudest/bossiest/controlling, or to be the most hurt/helpless/needy. Even though he now has attentive parents, he still struggles with defaulting to these behaviors for attention. The result is that he can be very dramatic at times, or he can use behaviors to try to control a situation (anything from pretending to be hurt to walking slowly on purpose). He does best when adults are able to maintain their authority - oddly, while he craves special attention and seemingly wants to be in charge, when an adult relinquishes control to him, it makes him feel unsafe and then his behaviors will get worse and worse. While he spends a lot of energy trying to take the reigns back from adults, he is very anxious when he is able to. It's a strange dynamic, but I wanted to point it out. He did very well in school last year, because his teacher was firm and impervious to his attention-seeking behaviors so he quickly stopped trying. However, over the summer he was at a day camp with younger teachers who were more passive, and his behavior deteriorated pretty quickly. All that being said, he is always a very sweet and loving kid. I haven't observed him to be aggressive or mean-spirited, and does very well socially. His issues tend to be with authority figures more than his peers, and tend to revolve around testing limits and seeing how much he can get an adult to give him attention. He responds well to affirmation but also to natural consequences and positive reinforcement. He likes working on a goal. We do a star chart here at home for behavior and when we are consistent, his behavior is much better. I am hopeful that he won't have any behavioral challenges in the classroom this year, but I did want to give you a heads up just in case any of this cropped up.

I tried to stay broad and general, but at the same time clue the teacher in on things a bit. It’s hard trying to explain the manipulation that can be inherent in attachment issues without making your kid sounds like a psychopath, so I did my best to try to frame it developmentally. I emailed this to his teacher, and I felt pretty good about it. His teacher wrote me back and thanked me, telling me that more information was always appreciated. I felt like I made the right decision. But then the teacher approached me after school, and pointed out something he noticed. It was something pretty insignificant. And hearing it, I felt really conflicted. I was appreciative that the teacher is on my team, watching out for these kinds of behaviors. But I also felt sad that the teacher was now keying in on his behaviors, and maybe even watching him from a more negative light. I’m still not sure how I feel about it. So I thought I would throw it out there to other parents of kids struggling with attachment-related behaviors: Did you alert the teacher? What did you say? How did you explain it to the teacher, and did you find it beneficial, or did it backfire?

Pumpkin Patch

Last weekend we got to celebrate my nieces birthday at the apple orchard/pumpkin patch. All three boys loved it! They each picked out a little pumpkin (getting big pumpkins this weekend) and they all went for a pony ride. Jacob tried to go on one last year, but he didn't want any part of it. This year he threw a fit when it was time to get off of Bullseye (he calls every horse Bullseye-from Toy Story). We even let Isaiah ride the pony. He has been asking if he can ride them every time he sees them but most places have an 80 lb limit, so he has been too big. But this place let him, ha!

Meeting at Isaiah's School

I feel bad that I haven't been blogging much, but I don't feel like much is going on now that we are back in school. We had a meeting with Isaiah's teachers a week ago and we were able to get him some modifications and accommodations for him while he is at school. This has significantly cut back the amount of homework he is doing each night. He was doing about 3-4 hours every night. He was hating it and hated having to go to bed right when he was done. At the meeting it was decided that he shouldn't have to do more than 1 hour each night. He is much happier now that he is getting to ride his bike each night and play with the neighbor boy across the street. We are so thankful for the school working with us and him to find the best ways to reach and teach Isaiah! He is doing excellent in 5th grade! He hasn't missed a spelling word yet this year and is so proud of that!

Favorite Phrases From This Week

Isaiah: “a girl keeps asking me out. Where are we going?”

Kaleb: “Whoooooooaaaaaa ‘Zaiah” when Isaiah walked in the room ready for church

Jacob: “lug you mama” (love you mama)

Isaiah: when asked what the capital of Illinois was he said “the I”

Kaleb: gave me a huge hug on his own and rubbed my shoulder being gentle  saying “niiiiice”

Jacob: first words out of his mouth when he woke up “Brad, Brad, Braaaad, NO” and “watch Wiggles”

A Little Healing at a Time

It brings me to tears to think about how far Kaleb has come the past 8 months. When we took custody of Kaleb he was so disconnected from us, really any people. He would literally run from us any chance he could. He was so happy to be out of his room at the Transition Home, but he didn’t care to have any interactions with people unless you gave him food (which then made his throw up because he was so overfed). We spent many hours at the TH following Kaleb around the building as he walked/ran to get away from us. He didn’t think it was a game, he just didn’t want to be held or played with. He gave no eye contact for several weeks. Slowly over the last 8 months he has changed into this cuddly boy who loves to be held often and can/will make eye contact. Towards the end of May (after 4 months of not leaving him AT ALL) he began to be very clingy and didn’t want me to leave him. He would scream if I walked out of the room or the house. He cried when we left him at the nursery or at the babysitter’s house. We talked with our social worker to see if we were doing the right thing by leaving him for a short time every once and awhile. She assured us it was good for the bonding process to teach him that mommy and daddy always come back. It was after a few times of leaving him and coming back that I really saw a bond form. The sitter also said he calmed down a minute or so after I left. He still didn’t care for the nursery at church, one week he was so mad he stuck his finger down his throat to make himself throw up. I have been praying for his heart to understand I am his mama forever and that he wouldn’t be so scared when I left him. I’m so thankful that God has been working in his little heart and he seems more comfortable when I drop him off. The past 3 days Kaleb hasn’t cried when I drop him off at the sitters (this is AMAZING from the kicking and screaming I would get before). Kaleb has also stayed in the church nursery for the whole service for the past 2 Sundays. These are the first two church services I have been able to sit the whole way through since I became a mom 18 months ago. My eyes were constantly checking the pager screen because I have gotten paged out every other week. But I was in church the whole time. It was so nice and so needed! I know we aren’t “done” with bonding and Kaleb being upset when I leave him (he does it to Brad too, but I am almost always the one who drops him off), but I am so thankful that his little heart isn’t hurting as much or as often now. Praise God!

Isaiah has also been out of the ‘honeymoon’ and ‘wanting to please’ stage for a few months too. He often says what he really thinks about a situation rather than ‘whatever you want me to do mom and dad’. We are experiencing several typical behaviors of an 11 year old also. Our social worker says this is also wonderful! She says that this means he is bonded more with us and is more comfortable to be real with us. Overall he is a great kid and we are so thankful to have him as our son. He continues to be an excellent big brother to both Kaleb and Jacob. He also continues to ask (daily) when we are going back to Africa to adopt more siblings for him J He slips it into about every conversation. Last night he asked if I would take grapes with us on the plane when we go back to Ethiopia to adopt more brothers and sisters. I told him that I will buy more grapes tomorrow, we don’t need to wait until we fly to Ethiopia. It just goes to show it is something that is on his heart daily and it makes us smile!

Last night Jacob slept all night in Isaiah’s bed. Isaiah often asks to sleep with someone (anyone) and Jacob has been sleeping in our bed still. He often still wakes up crying until he knows we are right there. For the first time (since last April) Jacob was comforted by someone other than me and he went back to sleep. He woke up crying at 1am and by the time I got into Isaiah’s room, Isaiah was already patting Jacob’s back and singing to him. I’m so thankful that he isn’t quite as scared at night as he was at first. God has helped heal his little heart too. I don’t know if he will ever sleep in a bed by himself, but he was happy to be with Isaiah last night!

Back to School

Today was our first day of school! Isaiah has been counting down the days for a while now. He is so excited to go back and see his friends. He wants to walk to school this year (it’s less than a mile away). This morning it started pouring and hailing right before he was going to leave so I drove him today, we wanted to make sure this was only for today, ha! I’m thinking he is going to change his mind once the cold weather gets here, but for now we will get to enjoy walking to school.
Jacob and Kaleb weren’t so excited to be back to daycare for the second day in a row. We took them a few times this summer to keep them used to the sitter. Jacob does really good, but Kaleb doesn’t like for me to leave. The sitter always sends me a text message before I am down the street saying that he settled down and he is always in a great mood when I pick him up. I have been so lucky to have had 12 out of the last 17 months off with my boys, I am so thankful to have had so much time off work and so much time with my boys. I am excited about the school year, but I am a sad that I won’t get as much time with the boys. I’m so thankful Brad and I both work in the school system and that we are able to have so much family time. We had a wonderful summer full of trips out of town, camping, swimming, and tons of fun with family and friends!
Here are the many faces of Isaiah as I tried to get a picture of him on his first day of junior high: